No Life Kid 5

The final bell of the day rang with the potential energy of all three hundred hormonal bodies in Forks High; all the acne, AXE body spray and overpowering cologne washed over him as Zander Cray eased up behind the wave of exiting students.

There was no need to join the rush, no need at all.

Especially considering he had time, plenty of time.

All the time in the world, literally.

Just two days off from the beach trip and he wasn’t absolutely hating being back to school on a Monday, somehow way more patient now about the prison that was public school than he was just a few years back. Maybe it’s the cold… 

Sure, the cold and not the whole change to his existence.

Zander snorted, the sound swallowed up by the throng of schoolchildren pushing past him as he adjusted the strap of his backpack. As he finally made it past the doors of Forks High proper, he stood out in the parking lot with a single raised eyebrow, Walter’s white gloves tapping a steady beat on the wheel visible from here.

The second before he could head towards his ride home, the vampire boy found himself pausing mid-step. One foot half-out and eyebrow going even further skyward, Zander’s head turned to the right, the hairs on the back of his neck rising too. Huh…

He blinked, blue eyes closing slowly behind a pair of round blue glasses. Okay… we’re doing this now, I guess. With a sigh, a hand slid into his front right pocket and out of his jeans came a candy-blue clamshell. Flipping the phone open, Zander tapped the number ‘1’ and held the device to his ear. 

It rang. Once.

“Sir?”

“Walter, take the car home. I’ll find my own way.”

The silence, all three seconds of it, spoke volumes. “…if you insist, sir.” But the greybeard of a man, despite being all secret about his past, was still a loyal and dutiful butler.

Shaking his head, Zander cut through the small but bustling crowd of students and headed the opposite direction from the parking lot, quickly cutting behind the gym.

Forks being Forks, you couldn’t walk a good five minutes without finding a forest and within those forests were a highway of hiking trails. Even the school had a decent set that  spiderwebbed into the depths of the national forest.

Zander could feel Walter heading away, the distance of his own path and the drudge’s drive as he took to the streets leaving a certain silence in his mind.

The forest trail was a different kind of quiet, though. 

An external vacuum of just buzzing insects, fluttering birds and the rustle of leaves in early spring. A million miles away from the soundproofed sterile-quiet of his coffin-room. Nature up here was its own other world from the urban heat of Dade County and Zander wasn’t sure he’d ever get used to wet earth, damp cedar and the sharp scent of pine needles turning to mulch under his feet, but it was… nice. 

Peaceful, really. 

Probably why the Cullen Crew posted up here in the first place. He tilted his head upwards at the thought of his particular problem, blue eyes taking in the thick canopy, constant cloud cover and who could forget the miles of empty space where you could run without ripping the air apart? Yeah, I could make this my kind of place for real.

It might have been so much better without the angry dogs and self-loathing leech vibe the locals had going on, but… you know what they say about beggars?  

Ten minutes of human-paced walking took him a good distance into nature, Zander almost falling into a rhythm as he enjoyed the thumping of his fake heartbeat against his ribs. 

It was a good rhythm, grounding; more than that, it gave him something to focus on so he wouldn’t start drooling every time some Mary, Jane, and Sue walked past him riding her red flow.

He could almost fall into the sound, the thum-thum-thum, but not when all the other sounds went away around him.

The insects were the first clue, then came the birds, and last were the squirrels. Just a sudden, pressurized silence, like the whole forest was holding its breath; all the woodland noises sucked into vacuum as the pretty predators of the Pacific Northwest made themselves known.

Yeah, can’t even judge. He was as dramatic as he could be on his hunts, and they weren’t even doing this on purpose, to be fair. With a shrug of his shoulders, Zanders kept to the path, hands in the pockets of his denim jacket as he maintained his stride. 

The trail curved around a massive, moss-covered boulder, and by the time he made his way around it…

Ah.

There they were, just like he’d figured.

Edward and Emmett Cullen, along with special guest Jasper Hale; all three pale-skinned bad boys of the Olympic coven.

A loose triangle blocked the path, a classic intimidation tactic, with the bronze-haired Edward front and center. He wore a look that seemed as constipated as Zander could imagine a vampire looking; jaw so tense and lips so tight he could have been sucking a lemon. His black-haired brother lumbered tall and proud to the left, heavy arms crossed over a chest that looked like it was made to smuggle anvils.

And that face…

Fucking pitbull of a vampire, man. Yeah, Emmett looked eager, like he was waiting for a leash to snap so he could go off the rails. I mean, I get it. There weren’t a lot of fights for a vampire to get into and considering the kind of guy he was before his death… Yeah, pitbull vampire.

The blond of the three stood off to the right, half-hidden in the shadow of a giant fir, perfectly still where Edward was twitchy and Emmett was bristling for action. Blue eyes stayed on him, Zander unable to help himself as they slid off the gimmicky speedster and the muscleheaded mauler. 

He might not have remembered all that much about books he read to impress a girl and movies he didn’t finish but he knew for a fact Jasper was not only all about strategy, but that he also stood out as the best fighter of all the Cullens. 

Still, it was one thing to know and another to know.

Zander stopped where he stood, pushing his sunglasses down his nose just enough to peer over the top, letting them get a good look at the not-so-natural blue.

“Well, well, well, if it isn’t the Blowjob Brothers.” His voice cut through the heavy quiet as he let a grin spread wide across his face. “Waiiit…” One finger pointed all around him, “Is this you guys secret spot? Am I interrupting the circle jerk? I guess my invitation got lost in the mail.”

Edward’s golden eyes narrowed, frustration thick enough to sink teeth into the way it radiated off him like werewolf musk. “We need to talk.” 

“Do we?” Zander tilted his head. “’We need to talk’ is usually what a girl says right before she dumps you or tells you she’s pregnant.” His eyes went wide. “You’re not pregnant, are you, Eddy?”

Emmett actually snorted, the sound loud enough he had cover with a cough as Edward shot him a look that could’ve frozen hell. “Cut the jokes.” Clearing his throat, Emmet managed to rumble out the words in a way that was more threatening than what Edward managed. “We know what you are.”

And here’s the good part.  Zander’s grin widened, two fingers sliding his glasses back up. “Oh, really?” He rocked back on his heels, hands pulled free from his pockets. “That’s fantastic, Emmy. I’m glad we’re all on the same page. ‘Cause I’ve been a little confused myself. So please, enlighten me. What the hell am I, bear boy?” 

You’d think he’d punched him right in the jaw the way it fell open as the big vampire actually took a step back; surprise, confusion and worry plastered all over the musclehead’s face.

Not done. Zander pointed a finger at him. “Now you’re thinking, ‘How could he possibly know about the bear?’ Am I right, Eddy?”

Edward’s eyes widened, too, Emmet’s thoughts clearly flashing through his mind.

“You’re like us,” Jasper spoke for the first time, slow Texan drawl all molasses and gravy as he took charge where his ‘brothers’ slipped up. “A monster.”

Not wrong. Zander raised a hand, one index tapping his chin as he let out a low slow hum. “Like you… hmm. Let’s break that down, fellas.” 

One dark-skinned hand came up to his face, five fingers spayed out wide. “Pale?” A single finger went down. “Long as I get a good meal in, nah, and even then… eh, not really.” Zander clicked his tongue loud enough for it to echo through the trees like sonar. “So… swing and a miss on that one.”

He shrugged with a shake of his head. “Supernaturally attractive?” He flashed the Cullen boys a grin. “Eh, I do okay. I mean, not gonna lie to you. Forks really ain’t my wheelhouse, y’know given the uhhhh… demographics…” A laugh spilled free as he shook his head again. “Then again, Jessica seems to like me.”

Two more fingers came down. “On top that, I also don’t sparkle so, oof. That’s a whole three down. Buuuut I do move too fast for human eyes, so…” He made a little whoosh sound with his lips, almost a whistle as the fourth finger stayed up. “Yeah, yeah, I’ll give you that. Guess we all got our party tricks.”

Zander nodded slow, eyes trailing across all three Cullens. “Thing is, though, see… here’s where your whole thesis just falls apart.” He leaned in as if sharing a secret. “This guy here actually eats food. Real food. Had some… ‘sushi’… for lunch.” He let the word hang there with emphasis on it, knowing they’d smelled the plasma-laden soy sauce all over it. “I spend six hours a day, five days a week, surrounded by a buffet of sweaty greasy, blood-filled teenagers, just oozing with hormones. And I’m not sitting there fantasizing about popping ’em open like juice boxes. And, even worse, to break your whole theory in half…”

Zander paused as he leaned back again, grin turning sharp enough to cut. “I actually have a sense of humor.”

Edward’s jaw tightened so hard Zander heard the click from ten feet away. “What do you want in Forks?”

“What, this isn’t the welcome wagon?” Zander put a hand to his chest, as mock-wounded as he could get away with. “And here I thought you guys came out to offer me a casserole. I mean, c’mon, what’s everyone want in small-town America? Peace, quiet, maybe some excellent coffee, a place to lay low.” 

“Laying low by showing off in front of the humans.” There was no question there, just a straight-up accusation, which… fair. 

However?

“The ‘humans’? Tone it down, Count Orlok. And if you’re gonna throw that at me, you might want to tell your sis to work on her poker face.” He shook his head. “That whole ‘frozen with prophetic terror’ look is a dead giveaway, unless she wants to pretend like she’s got anxiety issues.”

Jasper’s entire body went rigid. “You know about her gift.” 

Again, not a question.

“I have an approximate knowledge of many things.” That line’s gonna get so many uses. 

Zander started walking again slowly, forcing the three vampires to part around him. “For instance, I know you three decided to come out here and try to corner the new guy without asking mommy and daddy’s permission.”

He kept walking, his back to them as he nodded. “Very rebellious. Very Dawson’s Creek. I’m impressed.”

“We don’t need permission to protect our family.” Emmett stood taller, voice as serious as it could get.

Zander stopped, looking back over his shoulder. “Protect ’em from what, exactly?” He spread his arms wide, a smile on his face that wouldn’t melt butter. “What’ve I done, exactly? I’ve been a model student for, like, six whole weeks. Perfect attendance, stunning personality, and haven’t even drained a single cheerleader. Not one.”

The smile dropped, voice going flat. “Meanwhile, you three have been skulking around the cafeteria, staring at me like I’m the final boss in a video game. You’re the world’s most obvious surveillance team. You’re loud, especially when you trip the high-speed cameras around my fuckin’ property.”

All three of them twitched.

“Yes, yeah, yeahhh. I noticed. You guys aren’t exactly subtle.” In the span of a single heartbeat, the space where Zander stood was empty.

The Cullens spun, three sets of golden eyes wide as they scanned the empty trail.

“Reflexes need work, though.”

Zander stood behind them, fifty feet up the trail, one arm casually against a massive Douglas fir; a messy, brutal violation of the space between them. “And did you boys get permission from your respective girlfriends before starting this little… what… frat hazing?” Zander called out, his voice echoing slightly in the damp air. “Because Alice definitely knows where you are right now.” 

He locked his gaze, sunglasses or not, right onto Jasper. “She’s probably having a vision of this exact conversation as we speak. How’s that working out for you? Is this the part where I’m supposed to be scared? Or is this the part where she sees you getting your asses handed to you?”

All three of them exchanged a single glance, panic on Emmet’s face. They hadn’t thought of that. Of course they hadn’t.

Zander pushed off the tree. “Now…” He stood up straight, letting his jacket fall open, revealing the heavy, diamond-studded silver cross against his black shirt. “If you really want to know, exactly what I am… I’ll tell you…”

He winked. “None of your fucking business.”

The next instant, he was gone, the only thing left behind the sound of his laughter, high and sharp and echoing back through the trees as it faded into the woods. Absolute dickheads.